Hello there! Please slow down right there! Yes, I know what I just wrote. I do.
And I will quickly add here that my words are not law so you do not absolutely have to take them. Also, these are not necessarily things that God said to me. These are my ideas and I could be wrong, even sincerely so. So, once again, you do not have to do anything with any of these.
Finally, none of the things that I am going to say will apply to some people because of their unique circumstances. So, one more time, just to stress this again, this might not apply to you.
Now that we have that disclaimer out there, I will quickly add here why you should probably read this. I am a 32-year-old male.
I am married. Some of the things that I am going to be writing here applied to my situation as a single man and so they might apply to you too. If you think you might want to read this, then I encourage you to do so. I will try to throw in some stories here and there so that the points are driven home and you can more easily relate to the matters raised.
Maybe I will write all of my thoughts out in one piece or I will serialise this post. Whichever way, I hope that every reader benefits from this in some way. Let’s begin.
1. You Do Not Want To Get Married
I said it. I know. This might sound cruel but it is true.
The #1 reason you are probably still single is that you are honestly not interested in being married or you very certainly do not want to be married.
Many times, when I listen to the reasons that different men and women are not married, I get feedback that goes something like this:
I do not have money.” (this is mostly from men)
I have not met someone that I am compatible with
I need to date first and see where it leads.
I need to get a job first.
I need to take care of my career and establish myself, then I can get married.
I don’t want someone’s child to come and suffer in my house. Let me make money first.
Like I mentioned earlier, I am married so I understand where many of these thoughts are coming from. Subjects like money and emotional connection can be a real pain in a relationship if they are not in place. However, let us dive into some of these reasons that people give for not getting married.
I went to an Orthodox Church and if you grew up in the southern part of Nigeria where I grew up, you will probably remember a number of times when a wedding would happen in the church and the girl would show up with a “swollen” tummy to be wed. They would not let her put on the white wedding gown. She would wear cream. Also, she would not put on a veil. Instead, her face will be visible for all to see.
Does that scenario sound familiar?
It was so commonplace to see weddings like this. Many times you do not even hear that the said brother and sister are even courting but suddenly, they are walking down the altar to say their vows, right? It irked my young mind then and now that I am older, I am beginning to see what happened there more clearly.
Here is one scenario. I think that many times, a boy and girl are just fooling around and emotions get high and they end up sharing a passionate afternoon in the boy’s apartment or at the back of the church garden or some other random place. They like it and so they try to meet up and have it again. Sometimes it is just that one time though. Well, all is well and both parties are content to give each other knowing looks during weekly activities in the church. Nobody else knows.
Not yet. Not until the girl (let’s call her “Sweetie”) starts to feel tired and make one too many runs to the toilet and one of those times, she runs into a mummy.
Well, you know the rest of the story. Mummy quizzes her, maybe beats her some. Then daddy hears about it and all hell breaks loose. Daddy is an elder in church and mummy is a deaconess. Surely they can’t let their child give birth to a child without a father. They quiz the girl some more and she gives up the name of the lover and they find him, threaten him some or go straight to his parents and present the terms of marriage to them.
Sweetie’s lover has to marry their child and so, whether he was playing with her or just having “fun”, suddenly, Mr Lover (seems appropriate) finds himself looking down the aisle at his new wife, already showing a sizeable tummy, bearing the evidence of what they had in the dark bushes in full glare of day for everyone to see.
Let me guess, the song playing is “You are the one I’ve been waiting for…”.
Of course, this is not true but you have to play your role, right? And so Sweetie and Mr lovers are pronounced husband and wife and the church contributes money for them and they dance out.
Ready or not, Mr Lover has a wife.
He is 20, a bricklayer living in the small boys’ quarters of his parents’ home. He was also the choirmaster before this happened and he was suspended. Sweetie is 17, in SS3 and has since stopped going to school for fear of being a laughing stock.
What is my point of telling this story? Mock them? Far from it. Why? My mom and dad were not “formally” wedded in the church until I was 10 years old. The church called it “marriage blessing” and my brothers and I wore nice suits from a tailoring outfit in Aba called Kennedy Tailors.
We were “page boys”. So many of those families, which started before they were “ready” to start went on and made a beautiful life for themselves. If you look closely or ask, you will probably find that your parents or your friend’s parents went this route as well. So no shame there.
Your life, in the end, is what you with the help of God, make of it. A situation could be an obstacle for one and motivation for success for another. Back to the story and my point of this long, windy tale about Lover and Sweetie.
Now that I am older, I have formed some opinions about this matter, as follows:
If you are old enough to “make a baby”, then you are probably old enough to be married. Again, I know that I may be wrong but please hear me out.
The lover did not think that he could be married at 20 but when circumstances changed, he was married because he “had” to marry that girl.
You have probably heard the stories of many girls who wanted to get married to a particular man whom their parents did not approve of. Well, what did the girls do? They got pregnant and their parents were forced to give their blessing. I am not saying that this is right.
I am only saying that anybody who can “make” a baby can be married if they want to be married. Also, if two young people, who fooled around a few times and got pregnant could marry and make it work, anybody can get married. I would not advise getting pregnant first though.
What is your excuse for not getting married?
Money?
Well, Lover had no money and yet he was married in the story. If you really want to get married, you will find a way. I know about the big list that many of the families come up with. If you really love a woman and you are passionate about her, you will find a way. Maybe you will go to her father and beg.
He might understand. I have met people who did this and it worked.
Getting a job?
I like this one. Few things motivate a man like the love of a woman. If it is a job that you need, you will get it. But even if you do not get one, anyone who finds a wife finds a good thing and accesses favour. The moment you tag her as your wife, and she accepts, you will definitely find help. This is the truth.
Maybe you are thinking that you cannot support yourself and so you do not have the capacity to take care of another person. Well, this is what I have to say to that: Two are better than one. Again, one will chase a thousand but two shall chase ten thousand. Getting married increases your capacity to succeed. It does not necessarily make your work or life harder.
What about compatibility?
I will discuss this further in another post but let me throw in a quick one. God opens up His hand and satisfies the desire of EVERY living thing. Tell Him your desire and trust Him to take care of it. Again, I will discuss this further in another post because I think it is right up there on the list of reasons why you are still single: There is theology that says that the last man that God gave a wife was Adam and because Adam blamed God for Eve’s mistake, God withdraws from giving wives.
Well, the word of the same God says that His anger is for a moment but His favour is for life. That theology is a lie. Remember also that the same Bible says that “… a prudent wife is from the Lord…”
God is still giving people wives when they ask Him. So quit making excuses for not being married and start asking God, “Please God, I need a spouse…” For everyone one who asks receives and everyone who seeks finds and to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.
Let me tell this closing story to show that you honestly are not interested and that when you are ready, you will find. For years, I spent a lot of time writing a long list of all the things I wanted in my wife. I detailed the shape and colour of her eyes, described her nose and designated full pink lips to her.
Of course, he was full-bodied with all the curves of a goddess and the height of an Amazon. I mulled over this list for a while, made stories about it. I wrote about her English, her accent, exposure, et cetera. That wife did not show up.
The Bible says, “He who finds a wife…” So when I went to events, I looked around to find… It did not yield any fruit. I decided she was going to be from the North and I even went ahead and named her Aisha. Those who follow me closely know that up till early 2017, I was still posting letters to an imaginary Aisha. Some of those letters are still right here on my page as evidence!
Then one day, it occurred to me that I was “wishing” I could be married and not really “wanting” to be married. So on my birthday in 2017 (April), around this same time 2 years ago, I got out of the house, checked into a hotel, turned off my phone, locked myself in and talked desperately to God. I told Him exactly how I felt, my fear of not finding the girl of my dreams, my lack of money, the teaching that says that He has stopped giving the man a wife.
I told Him everything. I confessed my sins, my fears, the hearts I had broken and so forth. I was there the entire day. I told God that I wanted to marry a woman that He chose for me, someone I could lavish love on, share physical intimacy with but more importantly, someone I could share all round fellowship with.
That same evening, I received a message from the woman who is my wife today. Years before, we had been close. On this day, she told me straightway that she still had hope for us. We were married in just over 4 months! I wanted to get married. I was desperate to get married.
When you really want to, your bank account will not matter, no excuse will be sufficient. You will know what to do and you will be willing to do it. Your story might not be the same as mine, but I am sure that God has a beautiful plan for everyone.
I will return with more on this subject of why YOU are PROBABLY not married yet. Just keep in mind that the first reason MIGHT be that you do not REALLY want to be married yet. There are things you are looking at other than marriage. It is not a priority. Your eye is not single. Decide that this is what you want. End unfruitful relationships, focus on this one thing and really desire this. Go to God and ask for help.
Remember that the man who discovered a treasure in a field went and sold everything that he had to buy that field. Give up everything else so that you can get this all-important dream of your heart. I know that every single person will have their own unique story. Yours and mine do not have to be the same; will very likely not be. But God opens up His hand and satisfies the desire of every living thing.
So I wish you strong, hope-filled desires.
See you again soon. God bless you!
– Udim E Effiong
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